Pond Hopper

A Confession...

I have a confession to make - after two years of being smoke free - I've started again.  I'm ashamed of myself and I don't even have a good reason why.  I think it's just boredom (mixed with a bit of depression).  After 3 years living here, my life is so mundane, that it breaks up my day to go outside and sneak a cigarette or two.  In the scheme of things I guess it could be worse - When I quit, I smoked a pack a day.  Now, I smoke a pack a week.  I know it's awful, but life here isn't easy for me - there's nothing normal about spending so many hours a day alone and after being a smoker for 15 years, somehow smoking feels normal. 
When I was 17, my first love told me I was ugly when I smoked - I was crazy for him and he knew it and if that wasn't enough to make me quit - I thought the only thing that would was pregnancy.  Fifteen years later and still childless, I quit for Wayne.  Not because I wanted to, but because I promised I would.  2+ years later, I'm banking on pregnancy to make me stop for good.  My husband tried telling me I was ugly when I smoked to test if it worked for him, but all I did was give him the finger and finish my cigarette...

Some more random thoughts...

I just talked to an old friend for the first time in ages.  It was really nice to catch up and have a fun, light-hearted conversation.  I don't get to do that with people other than my husband much these days.  When Wayne came home, I said - I talked to Roy today - he says I'm funny.  As if this was news worthy.  I guess I sometimes wonder if I still have a personality.  Apparently, Roy thinks I do :-)
My friend Aniela is coming to England this weekend.  We're meeting her, her husband and her daughter in London on Sunday.  I'm looking really froward to it.  I don't get to hang out with friends (especially on my turf) and it will be really nice to feel normal for a change.  We haven't seen them since our trip back to the States and it's going to to be really good to see them.
We're thinking about going on the London Eye while in London (the biggest ferris wheel in the world).  I'll have to see if I can get the nerve - I'm terrified of heights and considering the ride takes 45 minutes - it would be horrible to be stuck that long while having an anxiety attack.  The last time I tried facing my fear was on our honeymoon when we went para sailing.  I screamed bloody murder the entire time!  I'm hoping since the London eye is completely enclosed, it might be okay.  We'll see...
If we go, I'll make sure I post some pictures - the view is supposed to be incredible!  I took some pictures with my new digital camera over the weekend and as soon as I have some time, I'll post them on my photos page as well.

A friend's words of wisdom

I recieved an email from a friend today offering her support after yesterday's dreary entry.  She told me she knows how I feel having spent a lot of time in Italy (her husband is Italian and now lives in the States with the intention of becoming a citizen).  She told me not to let it get to me too much.  She said,'You have lived here and you know what this country is about.  Yes, we have a shitty leader, but he does not define us and you were here during 9/11 to see what being an American truly means.'

That statement says it all.  When 9/11 happened America changed and what it means to be American changed as well.  People here don't understand our Patriotism.  They think it's strange that we pledge allegiance to the flag and stand for our national anthem.  Yes, we've always done that, but since 9/11 I think we all stand a bit taller.

Being from NJ, living so close to NY, 9/11 hit me hard (as I'm sure it did all of the US).  I went to school with someone that died that day. One of my best friends is married to a NYC fireman, and nearly everyone I know either knew someone that died (some knew several) or knew someone who lost someone.  It was a time I will never forget.  It was a time we all joined together and our American pride got even stronger.  I remember seeing George Bush standing there in the rubble, making his speech and feeling inspired and admiring him as our leader.  It's amazing to me to look back on that because now, I hate the site of that man.  At the time, I guess I needed to believe in him and under times of such sadness, we can make ourselves see things that aren't there in order to find comfort.

Living here and having to deal with the anti-Americanism has been difficult at best.  I love my country and although there are a lot of things I don't like about it, I am still proud to be an American. My friend is right - they don't know what our country is really about.  And yes, we have a shitty leader, but he does not define us.  I was there on 9/11 and even though I couldn't articulate it if I tried - I know what it truly means to be American and I wouldn't want it any other way.

Here we go again...

When I heard about the shootings yesterday, my first thought was how horrible it was for the victims and their loved ones.  As it unfolded and the numbers grew, I must admit I started having more and more feelings of dread over the media coverage and the debate that would follow.  I knew it would turn into a frenzy of American bashing.  I knew it would turn into an excuse to pick on the American way of life and I couldn't help but think - here we go again.
This morning, while eating my breakfast, I chose to stay away from American news channels - afraid to hear the things I knew would fuel the opinions of the British public.  I wanted to stay away from hearing the Americans that choose to take this opportunity to fight for the right to bare arms.  I chose BBC News 24 and sat there content with watching stories unrelated to the tragic massacre that took place yesterday.  Wayne came down for breakfast, picked up the remote and changed it over to the talk radio station he was listening to upstairs.  The bashing had begun.
They had an American guest on who was of course defending our right to carry a gun.  He spoke of the constitution and freedom (as I listened I cringed and my blood pressure rose).  I sat there and listened to random people call in to talk about the stupidity of Americans and one person say how perverse our way of life is.  I listened as American expats called in to make their opinions known (none for the gun culture in the US) and all the while I thought - I just don't want to hear it - none of this is going to change a thing!
I've turned it off now that Wayne left for work.  I just don't have the heart for it.  The last thing I heard was something about why 'Americans' continue to let things like this happen.  As if we have any control over it.  As a victim of a gun crime myself, I'm not for the gun culture in the US, but the problem is too big.  If you take the licensed guns away, how will people defend themselves against all of the illegal guns that are on the street?  Until, they tackle that problem - how can you take away the right to defend yourself?  Wayne says you have to start somewhere - stop selling the guns - stop making the guns - stop handing licenses out.  I agree with all of that and that something as to be done, but where do you start? 
I'm so fed up with being here for such events.  I'm so fed up with things happening that puts a shameful spin on my nationality.  I'm so fed up with feeling like the outsider all of the time and feeling so lonely the minute Wayne walks out the door in the morning.  I really want to go home.

Very Random thoughts

I just watched the movie 'The Holiday' It's been a while since I've enjoyed a romantic comedy.  It was really cute.  It was about an English & an American woman who swap houses for a couple of weeks to get away and they both find love in the country they're visiting.  Pretty good concept; although I thought they could have done a bit more with how it is when you visit a foreign country for the first time. 
The acting for the most part wasn't great but for me, the beauty Jude Law made it almost unnoticeable.  That man is the epitome of movie star good looks. Wayne came home in the middle of the movie and asked - How's Jude look?  My reply 'He's Fantastic and yes, he's still number one on my list... You know the list of people you're allowed to sleep with given the opportunity.  Our rule is that your only allowed to sleep with the person at the top of your list. 
For fun on a rainy weekend a while back, Wayne and I created our top 20 lists (inspired by FHM's top 100).  It was a feature on an old blog I had.  I keep meaning to add it to this one, but that would require an update of the lists and that takes more time than either of us have these days.
After making the lists, I asked Wayne - Would you really be able to go through with it given the opportunity?  He said, If Kate Beckinsale is offering a shag - hell yes.  I told him I'll tell you what babe, if you meet her and actually get that far - More power to you!  (Although, I don't think either one of us were being very sincere).

It made me think - would I?  If Jude Law was offering me a shag (yes, shag has made it into my vocabulary) would I do it (even with the explicit permission of my husband)? I don't think I could.  Although, he's not standing in front of me telling me he secretly has a thing for slightly over weight, very short brunettes opposed to the extreamly thin, leggy blonds he's usually associated with.  After all, the man is fantastic and I must confess I actually had a sexual thought about him while watching The Holiday.
I don't usually have sexual thoughts about men other than my husband (I've never been that sort), but since we've been together, I've had two about David Beckham and now one about Jude Law.  This could very well be because I'm 35 and have more sexual thoughts than I've ever had before.  I can't really help it if the occasional random thought is associated with a man other than my husband.  :-)  Hell, men have a sexual thought every 30 seconds and I'm sure all of Wayne's don't involve me!

30 Seconds...

The other day, my husband had an awful experience...
It was a beautiful day so that morning I sent a text to my trainer and asked to take our workout outside.  On really nice days we walk/jog along the harbour and the sea front.  I'm in the process of re-designing his website and since I live on the harbour, I suggested he meet me here so we can go over the latest changes to his site and leave for our walk from here instead of the gym.
Dan parked in the driveway, came in the back door, put his keys on the kitchen table next to my gym bag and after going over his site, we left for our walk... Some time after we left, Wayne came home for some supplies he needed on site.  He came home to find Dan's car parked in his spot, walked in through the back door (which I forgot to lock when I left) and called in to the living room with his usual greeting 'Hi Babe' his call was unanswered and with the door unlocked, seeing my gym bag and Dan's keys on the table - his heart sank.  It appeared we were there, but Dan and I were no-where to be seen.  Wayne made his way upstairs to the bedroom with thoughts in his mind I'm sure he didn't expect to have when he drove up to our house.  The poor man.  It must have been a long walk up the stairs thinking his life as he knew it was ruined.  Of course, Dan and I were not in the bedroom.  We were walking somewhere on the seafront and Wayne found nothing but an empty bed.
He came home that night and said nothing of his experience for hours.  Finally, he said 'next time you and Dan go for your walk - make sure you lock the fucken' door when you leave.  I said I must have forgotten.  He told me about what happened.  My first reaction was - 'Oh Babe!' and I threw my arms around him.  I asked how he could doubt me, but quickly realized my reaction probably would have been the same.  I can't imagine how he must have felt walking up to our bedroom.  His heart must have been racing and the dread must have been horrible.  The thought of it made me hug him over and over throughout the night.  He kept telling me it wasn't that big of a deal - saying how long does it take to walk up stairs - 30 seconds?? I said yeah, but what a 30 seconds!  The truth of the matter is it must have taken him all day to get over those 30 seconds and the minutes it took to go through the experience.
Things like that happen to people every day but with much different results.  I've been through something similar and I can't imagine how I'd feel if it was me thinking my life with Wayne was a lie.  I really feel for those who have had to go through such a thing for real.  It's amazing how much your life can change in a matter of seconds.

Couldn't sleep

I went to bed over an hour ago, but I couldn't sleep so here I am.  It's not really that late, but here in the silent darkness, it feels much later.  I used to have a sleeping disorder.  I didn't sleep for more than a few hours a night for over 10 years and then I met Wayne and he must haven given me the peace I needed because I rarely have problems sleeping any more.
Sitting here with only the glow of the computer screen as light, reminds me of the days I didn't sleep.  Alone with my thoughts in the wee hours of the night, I'd write like this - only then they were letters I'd never send - letters to someone who I felt comfortable telling all my secrets to.  Letters that get written in the middle of the night probably shouldn't get sent.  It's the things that come to you at that hour that are so truthful, they probably should be left until daybreak so you can re-evaluate saying them at all. 
I must confess every once in a while, I'd click send instead of delete and the words I probably would never say in the light of day  would be sent off to be deleted by someone else's click of a mouse.  The things that come to you when you feel like the only person awake in the world - there's a sense of rawness to it as well a clarity. 
I don't write those letters any more.  I guess this blog is my replacement, but I have to admit it's less soulful in the light of day.  Maybe more should be said by the glow of a computer screen sitting alone in the dark.

A revelation...

On my daily walk this morning, I saw a very pregnant woman shopping on the harbor.  It hit me just then, that if all goes according to plan - this time next year, I could be looking very similar to her!  What a revelation!  It's terrifying and exciting all at the same time.  The thing about becoming a parent later in life is is that you have a lot more time to consider things young girls don't like - I wonder how much your body really changes... Is sex as good for him after?... Is sex as good for HER after?? How bad does it really hurt?  Will I love my husband the same way after the baby is born?  I mean, I know I'll love him as much, but I like to dote on him and I worry, he'll get less attention and he won't be as happy.
Then there's the questions I'm sure we all ask like - What kind of mother will I be?  Do I really have the energy?  How do you handle the pressure of knowing if you aren't careful - you can really fuck a kid up for life.  etc. etc....
A friend gave me some advise on pregnancy recently.  She said - moisturise! She said everyone told her to and she knew she should have, but couldn't be bothered and now - stretch marks that will never go away.  So, I've started moisturising my stomach when I get out of the shower instead of just my legs and arms to get into the habit ahead of time.  Her advise made me wonder is there other practical advise that people forget to tell you about?  Are there things we might not have considered?  Are you reading this now thinking - I wish someone would have told me... If so, please share!
We plan to start trying this summer.  Thinking about it now makes my head spin with a million different thoughts.  I'd like to try now just to make sure we don't run into problems getting pregnant, but I promised Wayne a few more months to get used to the idea.  He'd probably wait years, but he had the dumb luck of marrying an older woman and the clock is ticking.  A part of me would like to wait as well, but I'm too afraid of childbearing years passing me by.  I wish there was a test you could take to make sure problems won't arise just to put my mind at ease.  Wouldn't that be nice?  I guess a few more months won't make much of a difference.

Still alive...

I haven't written in at least a week (the calender you see isn't visible to me at the moment and I'm too tired to look).  I've been busy with work.  My cosmetics supplier is not playing nice with their advertising guidelines and I've had to re-evaluate how to bring in business without rocking the boat with my advertising methods (I don't like playing by the rules).  I've spent the last week and a half trying to find good ways to advertise on line and I'm coming up short in confidence with any of the options I've found. 
It's a tricky thing this business of mine.  Wayne and I don't need the money and considering I don't like to play by the rules, I always thought it was just a matter of time before they sent me packing.  The thing is that I've grown to depend on it to keep me sane and busy - not to mention, I bring in pretty good money as well.  Last week when I got the warning letter from my supplier, it hit me quite hard.  I knew it would come, but I'm not ready yet so I've decided that playing by the rules is what I'll need to do to keep myself sane and in business.  Now, I just have to figure out how to do it by the book (the bastards and their rules!).
Anyway, I thought I should say something so people know I'm still alive.   I'm alive, tired and really hoping the soccer game Wayne is watching ends soon because I'm sick of sitting here trying to keep busy.  As a rule, Wayne and I have decided to never have a second TV in the bedroom because we think if we start separating into separate rooms - the easier it will become to do it more and more often (not to mention you end up watching TV in bed instead of other things you can be doing to entertain yourself in the bedroom).  We don't want that kind of marriage.  The downside of this rule is nights like tonight waiting for Manchester United to finish playing...