Pond Hopper

Sad News

Sadly, I suffered a miscarriage over the weekend.  We went to the hospital yesterday morning to confirm with an ultrasound and were given the official word there.  The pain started Saturday and got progressively worse through the day on Sunday.  I started bleeding Sunday afternoon and by that evening we were pretty sure of what was happening.  I opted to not have the procedure and decided I wanted my body to got through it naturally (a decision I'm starting to regret considering the pain hasn't diminished much in the last 24 hours). 
Emotionally, I'm spent.  I cried all the tears I could for 2 days and then yesterday afternoon, the tears just stopped and I began to accept it.  Apparently, it's a very common thing in the first trimester (a fact I was well aware of).  I know it was nothing I did wrong.  I know it doesn't mean we can't try again and I know we'll be stronger because of it. 
Wayne has been a wonderful through it all and has stayed home the last two days as much as he could.  I still feel like hell, but I'm sure my spirits will begin to lift as soon as the physical effects begin diminish.

Oh Baby!

I've just found out I'm pregnant!  We just started trying last month and much to our surprise - we're going to have a baby!

I found out on Friday.  I wasn't even late yet (only by a day or two), but I couldn't wait so I took the first test Friday afternoon.  I couldn't believe it when almost immediately - it came up positive.    I laughed and cried at the same time.  It was a surreal moment.  I only wish that I would have waited for Wayne to get home so he could have experienced it with me. I took a second test Saturday to make sure and we're going to the Doctor tonight to confirm and find out about getting a midwife.

I can't begin to describe how I'm feeling.  I'm elated and also still a bit shocked.  It's wonderful and terrifying all at the same time.  I'm going to have a baby - wow.

It's all happening

Wayne and I are officially trying to have a baby.  It feels weird announcing it to the world before telling half my friends and family, but half my friends and family are not as easily accessible and I just needed to say it to try and make it feel a bit less surreal.  I can't really put into words all that I'm feeling.  I'm terrified and excited all at the same time.  I have a new thought and new emotion every minute.  I've been ready for a while now.  Hell, I've been ready for years.  I guess I've just been waiting for the right time - not to mention the right man.  Who would have thought it would have taken so long?  I guess I've also been waiting for the green light from Wayne (it is a joint venture after all).  I got it in a rather unexpected way over the weekend and I'm still a bit overwhelmed.  I cried when he let me know.  It's funny, I knew he loved me and planned to spend his life with me, but having the confirmation in such a way is really beautiful.  I'm not saying I doubted him, but this experience has just made me realize the scale of how he feels so much more. 
Woman know from an early age that they want a family.  For most of us, it's an innate desire we can't control or explain, but I don't think it's the same for men.  It comes later with love and maturity.  Deep down, I know my husband would like to wait a few more years, but loving me and knowing that waiting any longer would make me unhappy has made him re-evaluate his priorities.  This is a true act of love and I am so grateful to be loved in such a way.  With any luck, we're going to be a family.  It's all happening - everything was waiting for.

A Confession...

I have a confession to make - after two years of being smoke free - I've started again.  I'm ashamed of myself and I don't even have a good reason why.  I think it's just boredom (mixed with a bit of depression).  After 3 years living here, my life is so mundane, that it breaks up my day to go outside and sneak a cigarette or two.  In the scheme of things I guess it could be worse - When I quit, I smoked a pack a day.  Now, I smoke a pack a week.  I know it's awful, but life here isn't easy for me - there's nothing normal about spending so many hours a day alone and after being a smoker for 15 years, somehow smoking feels normal. 
When I was 17, my first love told me I was ugly when I smoked - I was crazy for him and he knew it and if that wasn't enough to make me quit - I thought the only thing that would was pregnancy.  Fifteen years later and still childless, I quit for Wayne.  Not because I wanted to, but because I promised I would.  2+ years later, I'm banking on pregnancy to make me stop for good.  My husband tried telling me I was ugly when I smoked to test if it worked for him, but all I did was give him the finger and finish my cigarette...

Breast Cancer Fundraiser

My sister is doing a Walk for Breast Cancer and she's having some difficulty getting people to sponsor her so I thought I'd put a little blurb up here and hope that some of you might like to help.  To contribute, go to her donation page on the Avon walk website and let her know you her know you heard about it through her sister (no need to mention this site since I don't share my blog with my family).  It's for a great cause so even if you wanted to give just a few dollars - every little bit helps.

My blog's new look

If you notice things look a bit different, it's because I've had a load of commenting issues with my old movable type blog (mainly issues with junk comments and spamming).  It's gone on too long so I've switched to TypePad.  They have better functionality as far as comment spamming goes and I'm hoping it's the last move I make because it was a bit of a hassle.
No more comment problems - Fingers crossed, this might encourage more visitors to comment instead of emailing me.  I mean half the point of a blog is for readers to participate and give input from time to time.  I don't get a lot of that  and sometimes, it really feels like I'm talking to myself.  :-)  Hopefully, now that people aren't forced to create a user name and password to leave a comment, they'll be more inclined to do so.

Pond Hopper face lift

I've given the Pond Hopper site a face lift. It really needed to be done for quite some time, but with work and life, it's been at the bottom of my priority list.
The Expat Blog List has been updated with several more pages - Also a long time coming and I apologise to all of you that submitted requests and didn't get on the list until now. I was really waiting until I updated the site before adding any new blogs to the list. From now on, I promise to be more timely about it. I have included a form for new requests as well, but will still be taking requests via email as well.
I'm afraid it loads kind of slow, but quite honestly I don't know if it's just my dodgy UK broadband connection or if it's really as slow as it seems. Feedback would be much appreciated as I'm still in the learning process of web design. My commenting problems should be fine now, so a quick comment would be great from those of you who might want to give some feedback (positive or negative - I can take it!).

Comment Issues!

I've just realized that all of my comments were being junked by movable type for the last 3 weeks or so. My junk comments are automatically deleted after 7 days, so I have no idea how many comments I wasn't able to save. If you commented during that time and don't see your comment listed - I never even saw it and it was inadvertently deleted - sorry!
It's late and I'm really tired (just went through my entire junk folder to try and save my comments - 1500 in all), but I just wanted to write a quick entry to thank all of you who have written and commented with support. Kindness from strangers is always uplifting and means a lot. I will respond to all of you as soon as I have a chance. :-)

2 Years Smoke Free

Today is the two year anniversary of the day I quit smoking. I got hypnotised and never touched another cigarette. For all you smokers that read this - I didn't want to quit. I smoked the whole way over to the hypnotist's office. I thought - there's no way I'm walking out of there a non-smoker. I thought it just wasn't possible. I smoked for 15 years, so how could an hour with this guy change that?? Like I said - I didn't want to quit; I liked smoking, but I promised my husband I would try. So I went to get hypnotised...
That night, I felt kinda lost. It's not as if I felt different or that I didn't want to smoke. I wanted to, but I just didn't. The hypnotist asked what my concerns were as far as quitting went. I told him since I just gained a lot of weight, I didn't want to gain anymore. I also told him that I didn't want to be bitchy and make my husband suffer through the quitting process. The result was - I ended up eating a lot of grapes (instead of cookies and sweets) and when Wayne wasn't around and when he was- he became my new oral fixation! I kissed him every time I wanted a cigarette and my husband didn't suffer a bit through the quitting process - quite the opposite.
I can't say there has never been a time I didn't want to smoke. I sometimes wish I could be one of those people that only has the occasional cigarette, but I don't know if that would be possible, so I don't try. I can't say that it wasn't difficult at times, but when you go a day and then two and then a month... it becomes a choice. I chose to quit and I'm so glad I did. I smoked for 15 years and when I quit, I was smoking at least a pack of day. If you smoke and think it can't be done - it can.

Updated Photo Gallery

I just got back in touch with a friend that I lost touch with when I lost my address book in the move here to England. Thanks to My Space, she found me this week - Hi Kim! She's requested I add a wedding album in my photo gallery since she missed the circulation after the wedding. So, I've updated my photo gallery as per her request...
The album is under 'Our Travels' in the gallery since we got married in Jamaica Click here to view the new album.