Pond Hopper

In a funk

I've been in such a funk for the last few weeks and I just can't seem to pull myself out of it. I don’t know exactly what’s wrong (besides the obvious), but I’m just not myself these days. I’ve been despondent and withdrawn. I think it started about a month ago when we thought I might be pregnant. It wasn’t something we’d been planning on, but I was hoping beyond hope that I was. It turned out that I wasn’t and although Wayne couldn’t have been more relieved – I was really sad over it. It was the first time in my life I really wanted to be pregnant when taking one of those tests (which in it’s-self is an odd experience). I was dreaming for weeks about being pregnant (each dream more bizarre than the last) and it was all I could think about. I kept telling myself I wasn’t. I didn’t feel pregnant, but I was 10 days late and just the thought of it really made me happy, scared, excited and nervous all at the same time. The thing that wasn’t ideal was that Wayne really didn’t want me to be. We have a plan on when we’ll try for a family and it wasn’t that time yet. Like I said, he was happy when the test turned out negative and I cried for about an hour.
The day I called my Mom to tell her the test results was the very same day she told me she had to go in for surgery to confirm her test results. It’s been a trying time ever since and although, it’s all over and done with, I think I’m still feeing the effects of it. It’s strange because my cosmetics/Make-up artist business is finally getting off the ground and you’d think I’d be feeling really good, but it’s really quite the opposite.
I can’t help but wonder how much of what’s got me so out of sorts is that I’m coming up to my two year anniversary of moving here and I still don’t have anything that even resembles a normal life (other than a husband I’m crazy about). If love and a good relationship was all that was required for a happy life – I’d be a very happy woman. One of life’s great challenges seems to be finding a way to be happy with what you have without being unhappy about what you don’t. A friend of mine moved to Australia to be with her Australian husband a few years back. She told me that it took her 3 years to finally make a life for herself and feel like she was at home there. It’s not the first time I’ve heard that about moving to a foreign country. Its 2 years this month for me. Maybe this will be the year it turns around for me and I’ll find my way here.

A difficult couple of weeks

It's been a difficult couple of weeks. I had that argument with my brother (that's still not resolved - I haven't heard from him since) and my mother had a cancer scare that finally ended with an all clear from the doctors today. She had a lumpectomy last week and we've been waiting for the results since her surgery.
Before my friends hit me with - why didn't you call?? - I couldn't talk about it. Hell, I didn't even write about it. All I could do was keep busy and try not to think about it. From so far away, it's all I could do. I haven't been myself. Hopefully, now that I know everything is okay, I'll start to go back to normal.
Wayne's parents are coming to visit on Thursday. They're staying for 4 days. I'm not really looking forward to it at all. It's not like I don't like them; they're great as far as in-laws go. I guess I'm so used to it being just the two of us, that when we have company, I feel sort of invaded. I'm also always nervous (not knowing them real well). I've been cleaning like a mad woman for days now making sure everything is immaculate for their visit (Wayne’s Mom is kind of a clean freak & I don’t want her to think I’m a bad wife). I don't know why, but when it comes to Wayne's Mom, I just feel the need to impress her and I end up being the unwavering hostess from the time they arrive until they leave so I end up being really exhausted. It will be a long 4 days.

In case I go quiet...

I had an argument with my brother yesterday. I called to say hi and ended up getting an angry lecture on how much I've disappointed the family by moving to England. He said I 'fucked' the family by leaving. The only thing he repressed was how wrong I was for marrying a British man apposed to someone American (which he alluded to). He ended up hanging up on me. It was an unprovoked attack brought on by my saying no to his suggestion of going back to visit without my husband (anyone who knows me knows that a visit without Wayne would be like throwing myself to the wolves without any protection).
I've been quietly sick to my stomach since he hung up. I have so much I can say about it and how horribly disappointed I am by my family since I left and how let down I've always been by them. I know they all share in his sentiment - he's just the only one who has said it out loud (although my mother has come close). The thing is that he acts as if they have always been one of those families that rallies around you in your time of need and by leaving, I have somehow betrayed all they have done for me. This couldn't have been farther from the truth. They have never been there for me. I have always been left on my own in the hard times and it has always been my friends that have rallied around me to help in any way they could. I have had sisters in my friends Nicole & Anne and a brother in my friend Kenny. It has been them that have seen me through and acted as my family. It's been them that have supported me through this move that took more strength than I thought I had and it's now Wayne that has picked up where they left off. I resent the heartache that my family has given since I left (not to mention throughout my life) and it leaves me to wonder why it is I so badly want to go back.
I’m not writing this to complain. I’m writing this entry to explain why there probably won’t be any entries for the next few days. I get quiet when things like this happen. I tend to keep to myself until I’m able to get through it.

Bank Holiday Weekend

This weekend is a long holiday weekend here in the UK. Don't ask me what the holiday is because nobody seems to ever know what holiday their celebrating. They just refer to it as 'Bank Holiday Monday'. Wayne's sister and family will be coming for the weekend. I'm honestly not looking to forward to it. It's not like I don't like them, but this house is way too small for six people and two cats. Last time they came, it took me days to recover! Nancy, Wayne's niece (and I guess mine too) who's turning 6 next month, LOVES me. When ever she's around she doesn't leave my side for even a second. The child even follows me to the bathroom. Not a mother myself, using the bathroom in front of a small child is a bit unnerving for me, so I've had to find creative ways to distract her so I can sneak away for a bit of privacy. I've bought some arts and crafts projects for us to do together so I don't spend the entire time drawing pictures that turn out looking like she's the one that drew them (I've never been a very strong artist). I don't think I've ever had a conversation with my sister-in-law because as soon as I walk in the door, her daughter steals me away and there's not a bit of adult conversation for the rest of the day. I tell myself this is just a bit of training for motherhood.
Anyway, I'm meant to be cleaning today in preparation for their visit, but can't seem to bring myself to start. I took a walk to the shops, ran some errands and went to the gym, but haven't started the housework yet. Well, that's not exactly true - I took the curtains in one of the spare rooms down to wash them and when I took them out of the machine, they were so wrinkled that I put them back in (thinking I left them too long). I put them through a quick cycle, took them out and they were no better. I asked Wayne - Can't we just throw them away and buy some new ones?? I'm supposed to be ironing them today. I've started and stopped twice. What a job it's been! Laundry in this country, seems to be an art I will never master! I wasn't meant to be a housewife! Don't get me wrong - I keep a clean house and I cook really good, but honestly, I'm a shit housewife and I miss the days of tumble dryers that didn't wrinkle your cloths so they didn't require ironing. It's nearly 3:00 - if I start now, maybe by the time Wayne gets home (at 5:00) I'll have it done...

Feeling lonely today...

I'm feeling miserable today. I just got back from the gym. It's a beautiful day and I'd love to go out and do something, but the trouble is that I don't have anyone to do anything with. I've been waiting for some sign of spring because I thought it was the long gray winter that was getting me down, but it turns out - it wasn't. I thought joining the gym was going to make me feel better as well, but I was wrong about that too because even though I'm surrounded by people - I'm still alone.
In the locker room, I over heard some girls talking about going out for lunch and I had to hold back the tears because I would just love to have someone to go to lunch with (more than anything what I'd really like is to be able to sit down with my best friend and just chat - I miss her more than anything right now). On my way home, there were girls everywhere walking along coupled or in groups and it just made me feel so alone. What's worse is that I can't even call my friends back home because there, it's not even 8am. I'd call my fellow expat girlfriend but I got an email from her today that's she's crazy busy packing for her move back to the states. I'm unsure it would help anyway because I know that by the end of the month, she too will be out of the time zone. I've been here over a year and a half and I really thought by now, I'd have some friends, but I don't and I'm feeling quite lonely.
Over the weekend, we went to visit Wayne's family. We went out to dinner with Wayne's cousin/best friend, Gareth and at dinner I had a terrible argument with him. It started over him making too many 'American' comments, but I honestly don't know what it was really about. Maybe I'm just sick of feeling like an outsider and got angry at him because I didn't want an evening talking about politics and religion (two subjects I make a concerted effort to avoid at all costs unless it's with Wayne) I just wanted a relaxing evening, but it was far from relaxing. I ended up leaving the table in tears. Wayne went after me and talked me down enough to go back to the table. He asked Gareth to apologize; which made it even worse and before I knew it, I was openly crying at the table and biting my tongue because I just wanted the whole thing to be over. In the end, nobody ate the expensive meals we ordered, we both half apologised and spent the rest of the evening pretending it didn't happen (while much to my dismay, debating about religion and politics). I've been trying to recover ever since. I've always liked Gareth and I'm sorry it happened.
I hate writing woe-is-me blog entries. Who wants to read about how miserable I am? But today, this blog is all I have...

It's been a while...

I haven't blogged or even worked on my web training in a while. Last week, I started my new workout regime. It was a long and hard week (hence my disappearance). When I’m in pain, I tend to keep to myself. I spent the week suffering in silence (although my husband would probably beg to differ). I was at the gym 5 days last week. I did 40 minutes a day on the cross training machine and 3 days of weight training. Because of my medical condition, I spent the week in a good amount of pain. I even slept part of the day unable to fight the fatigue. By Friday, the pain started to be manageable and it’s been a lot easier ever since. I’ve been to the gym every day this week and plan to do five days a week from now on. I can’t believe it, but I’m really enjoying the gym. It feels good to be surrounded by people and hanging out with Doug has been a real laugh. Next week, I start with my personal trainer, whom my husband has affectionately named, Dan-Dan the gorgeous man. I fear that having an attractive personal trainer may be as desirable as having a good looking OB/GYN – it’s not exactly what every girl wants…
Sunday, my brother-in-law came to visit with his evil wife and two children and stayed for three days. Luckily they stayed in a hotel or I don’t think my sister-in-law would have made it out alive. I dislike her immensely and so does everyone else besides maybe her husband and children, but I’m not even sure of that. When I’m around her, it’s a real test of my self control. She is mean spirited, over-bearing, abrasive and out spoken. She says things out loud that most people would only think to themselves, but never think to actually say. I imagine that nobody ever gave her a lesson on thinking before speaking, but then again, she is evil so maybe she just does it to be terrible. I can deal with her backhanded comments toward me (I’ve been putting up with her for as long as I’ve known her), but when she says things about Wayne, I find it harder and harder to bite my tongue. Wayne has given me permission to let her have it, but out of respect for his brother (who I really like), I never say a word. Yesterday, she said a particularly appalling thing about Wayne’s mother that if he heard, would have upset him greatly. The only thing I could do (being earshot of her husband and children), was get real close to her and say quietly, ‘Okay Helen, I’m going to stop you there because if you say another thing like that, it’s going to get really ugly’ she got quiet for the first time in days, they left within two hours and I honestly hope they never come for another visit.
It’s strange what happens when people come with their kids to visit you while taking their vacation time from work – you end up doing things you wouldn’t normally think to do in a million years (unless you had children too). On their second day in town, we took the kids to a park that has a mini steam train they can ride on. Somehow, Wayne and I got sucked into riding on the silly thing and I found myself straddling the tiny train with my arms around Wayne’s waist and feeling quite ridiculous (considering we didn’t have a child sitting anywhere near us). Later that day, we went to the pier and to amuse the children (who are apparently obsessed with trains), we had to ride the tram that runs back and forth along the seafront. The trip took an hour and a half and I can’t say enough how horribly boring it was. The tram is not meant for amusement, it’s literally a form of transportation for tourists and holiday makers and is about as entertaining as a bus ride. I guess I would have enjoyed it if I had an affection for the children we were with, but quite honestly I don’t know them and they’re too shy to even talk to me. Every day they were here we did things I wouldn’t ever want to do (especially in such cold temperatures), but found myself doing anyway. I’m enjoying the quiet today. I’ve been quietly working all morning and it’s been wonderful knowing I won’t have to see the dreadful woman for another few months at least.

Waiting for Mrs. Brady...

I was having a perfectly fine day until my mother called. She has a way of easily ruining my mood. I'm getting itchy just thinking about it (yes, in a way - I'm allergic to my mother). A few years back, I had a severe allergic reaction that put me in the hospital for 5 days. I was a mess and to this day, they have no idea what caused it. Ever since then, sometimes when I get stressed out - I get itchy, break out in a rash and sometimes hives (depending on my stress level). I have to admit that my Mom seems to bring it on more than anything or anyone. Don't get me wrong - I love my Mom with all my heart, but the woman drives me crazy.
She called today for the first time in weeks (I've called her a few times, but she's either been out or busy). Admittedly, I instantly was on edge because I've been wondering if I haven't heard from her because she's been upset with me for something. It started out fine. We talked about us both being sick last week and other small talk and then she hit me with - 'I hope you're not upset with me because we haven't been out to visit you since you moved' this is a sore subject for me and I immediately got short and said 'No Mom, I have come to terms with the fact that no-one will come to visit ever, but I'd like to hope that if (and when) Wayne and I have a baby that maybe you might reconsider' This wasn't one of my smartest moments for more than one reason 1) she got defensive and 2) I inadvertently admitted we won't be moving back to the States any time soon. - She's forever unforgiving about my leaving the country, even though she helped me make the decision and was supportive of it at the time. She has since recanted and informed me that it was only because she thought I'd be moving back in the near future ( that was nearly 2 years ago). I could hear her tone become quite serious and she hit me with 'I think it's horrible that you live there and it sucks that I may have a grandchild that lives across the ocean'. Luckily for me, her doorbell rang and she had to go.
The truth of the matter is that there have been very few times in my life that my family has been there for me. Through almost all of the hardest times of my life, I've had to rely on my friends help to see me through. With me (not necessarily with my siblings), my Mother has been a big believer in' tough love' and I've for the most part - I've been left on my own to get through the tough times with no real support from her (or the rest of my family). I don't know why, but as I get older, this continues to break my heart.
for some reason, after all of these years, I'm still waiting for my mother to turn into Florance Henderson (the Mom from the Brady Bunch) and start acting like a Mom that is doting and supportive. She's never been that kind of person, but I can't help but be disappointed when she is insensitive or cold. I guess I should cling to the fact that she called me Honey before we hung up and hope that maybe next time we talk, it will be more pleasant.

Out of site, out of mind (and the family)

Over the weekend, Wayne and I went out to celebrate my one year smoke free. I have to admit I got pretty drunk. I guess I needed a drink because I didn't have a very good week leading up to our night out. It was enough going through my step father being rushed to the hospital and having to sit here helpless for hours before I got an update (being s far from home when there is a crisis is really tough), but the day after, I had a 'discussion' with my Mother that was enough to drive anyone to drink!
I didn't like waiting so long for an update. I hated it. It was just awful. After waiting nearly four hours, I started calling every family member's home and cell phones. I finally got in touch with my sister-in-law who told me she had been getting regular updates and let me know what was going on. This infuriated me! They were calling her, but not me!
Before you get ahead of yourselves and think - How could they call you in England until they go home? You see, I have a Skype (www.skpe.com) phone number that allows anyone to call me on a New Jersey phone number and it rings here in England. They can call me any time of any day and never pay an international rate. It costs me money, but I can't make it easier for people to call. Although, I still don't get too many calls at all.
Anyway, like I said - I was furious and hurt. Why didn't it occur to them to call me when they called my sister-in-law with updates? I may be far away, but I'm still part of the family! They don't appear to agree because things have changed since I moved here.
My mother calls once a week (most of the time anyway), but for the first 6 months - she never called even once (She only calls now because I confronted her on it). I hear from my step father, sister and brother very infrequently. Nobody sent me a Christmas gift (except my best friend) and I only got two cards from back home (why I continue to spend hundreds of $$s to ship gifts to them is beyond me). My birthday is Monday and I haven't seen even a hint of a card arriving. After living here for nearly a year and a half, there hasn't even been a whisper suggesting I will ever get a visit from anyone. All of this hurts and the longer it goes on, the less I see myself making an effort because honestly, I don't see the point in setting myself up for disappointment...

Far from home

I just got a tearful call from my sister telling me that Cyrus (my step father since the age of 14) was just rushed to the hospital. She didn't know much detail because it was second hand information, but she said something about a viral infection keeping him from being able to walk.
This is the first time that something has happened and I'm too far from home to be able to do anything about it. I can't rush to the hospital to be with my family like I want to. I can't even call my Mom (who's probably a fucken mess) to offer support or get an update because they don't allow cell phones in the hospital. All I can do now is just wait. It's an awful helpless feeling to be so far from home at times like this.

Update: Cyrus is okay, but in the hospital. They are not sure what's wrong just yet, but he seems to be in good spirits. They are concerned because his kidneys are not functioning properly and he is very weak. they are keeping him for observation while they wait for test results.
It was a tough day for me. I hated not being able to be there and waiting around for almost 4 hours before I got my first update. before then, I had no idea what was wrong and how bad it was. I'm still finding it hard to relax; I just don't feel at ease and have to admit I've been a bit depressed over it. Maybe it's time to schedule a trip back.