Pond Hopper

Social Networking Sites

I've been on both Facebook & MySpace for quite some time. When I first joined, I couldn't understand the appeal. I just didn't see what all the fuss was about. Then one day my best friend called me and told me to check something out on Facebook (a photo of someone from days gone by). While having a peek, I noticed that people where using their maiden names to make it easier for people to find them. I figured this was a good idea and I did the same. That's when it all became clear because before long, I had over a 100 different people on my friend list. It was a mix of people from throughout my life that I had friendships with, knew casually or went to school with (and some that knew me, but I honestly didn't remember them). It was quite the phenomenon - at my fingertips, there were over 100 people from throughout my life that I could see pictures of & catch up with! There is a downside to this phenomenon though. Actually, there are many downsides. Some I won't discuss, but I will name a few in this post and in posts to follow. For one, catching up with people may not be quite what you imagine. You can look back on days gone by and have something emerge you never quite expected... On MySpace, I had the first great love in my life send me a friend request. I was shocked & so pleased to hear from him in this way. Before long he started posting pictures of the days we were together - pictures he said were taken for me while we were in a long distance relationship (he was in the Army) - pictures he wrote me love letters on. Seeing these photos on such a public forum bothered me. After all, they were my photos, but I swept those thoughts from my head thinking I'm happily married now, it was a long time ago - what's the difference now. Soon after, there was a comment on one of those photos from a woman I did not recognize and never heard of before. Her comment read something like this - 'Thanks so much for the memories - you were such a prize on my arm back then.' Ouch! This was the man I believed was the first real love of my life. This was that man that all other were compared to - the man I kept a special place in my heart for. 20 years later, there I sat heartbroken by the truth of the matter. One little thing on social networking site, changed my whole life story. It went from I story that I thought I knew, to one I only knew the edited version of and that is hard to get used to. My memories are skewed and I'll never know what was real and what wasn't.

Spider panic

I just did the most ridicules thing! I went into the baby's room to get something out of the wardrobe and when I opened the door, I was confronted with a very large spider sitting on the sleeve of one of the baby's sleep sacks that was hanging there.  I am really bad with spiders - it's an awful phobia.  Looking at it there I thought, if I leave it there and run - I'll lose it somewhere in the baby's room!  I can't leave it in the baby's room!  What do I do??  I looked around for my options and thought I just need to get it out the window somehow.  I couldn't get close enough to grab the sleep sack to shake out the window - every time I moved the hanger the spider moved and it was too much for me to deal with.  The spider could have fallen into the wardrobe and then I'd have to search for it.  Worse - it could have fallen on me!  I started to panic and then I saw the curtain rod against the wall.  I stood far enough away so that if it fell it wouldn't fall on me, took the pole of the curtain rod and used it to pick up the hanger of the sleep sack and slowly guided it to the open window (all the while having a mini panic attack).  I got it out the window, shook the rod and the spider just crawled up the sleep sack - it wasn't going anywhere.  So, I did the only thing I could do - I dropped the spider (along with the sleep sack) out the third floor window into my back yard.  I figured Wayne could get it for me and shake it out when he got home and I could wash the sleep sack, but at least the spider was out of the baby's room! 
I feel ridicules.  Who knows if any of my neighbors witnessed my act of panic.  I must have looked like a nut dropping the baby cloths out the window with a pole!  What kind of mother will I be if I can't even handle a spider in a rational way?  My child won't have a shot in hell to not be afraid of spiders if he ever has to witness something like that!  Maybe when it comes to my child, I'll be braver and be able to handle my phobia a bit better.  I sure hope so!

Glad to be back

We got back on Friday afternoon.  Saturday, I slept until 2pm.  I don't think I thought through how pregnancy and arthritis was going to factor in to such a long trip.  We were on the go for almost 3 1/2 weeks straight.  There wasn't a lot of time for rest and I'm still paying for it now with a good deal of pain and little or no energy for most of the day. 
It was good to go back and see everyone, but to be honest by New Years Day, I was ready to come back.  Things happened with family that I won't go into that put a bit of a damper on my time, but I think maybe it's better that way - there are a lot less tears when you leave feeling a bit fed up.
I'm nearly 6 months pregnant now.  It's going so fast now that the 2nd trimester started.  The first trimester was the longest 3 months of my life, but now it's flying by.  The baby is active every day and I can't say enough about how amazing it is to feel this little life inside me every day.  I am really enjoying this part of pregnancy.  Although the pain in my back is worse than it's ever been (probably due to my very large belly), it's truly worth it.  I may be uncomfortable physically a lot of the time, but emotionally - I am over the moon!  I can't wait to meet him.  It's still so surreal.

Thin Walls

It's odd waking up to the voice of a stranger.  The walls are really thin in this house and I am often woken up by my neighbors.  Some nights it's in the wee hours of the morning that I'm woken up by one of the children crying.  It's happened on more than one occasion at around 2-3AM and I can only imagine it's nightmares waking the child up and I wish I could say that their mother is quick to go to them, but it often takes a while before the crying stops.  Some days it's the voice of one of the woman calling out to the children that wakes me and some mornings I'm actually woken by the sound of their alarm clock (the other day that happened at 5:45 in the morning). 
This morning, I woke up to a voice calling out 'Come on you two' as if it was coming from the same room.  It was 6AM and I wanted to cry since I didn't get to sleep until around 2:00 this morning.  I keep earplugs next to my bed, but don't like to sleep with them in because it causes my ears to ache after a while.  So, instead I wait to hear them and hope if I put them in while I'm groggy enough I'll get back to sleep.  I'm a really light sleeper though and have to say that once I'm awake, I don't often get back to sleep.
Today, I'm really tired.  I want to nap, but am afraid if I do, I won't sleep tonight or worse, I'll just be woken up by the children.  The little devils don't stop all day.  One of them throws temper tantrums several times a day that involve screaming at a pitch that should break glass, and loud banging that I can only guess is caused by them stamping their feet or throwing themselves on the floor over and over again (I hear the screeching as I type).  Again, I wish I could say the mother was quick to put an end to the noise, but they just leave the child to it and it usually lasts at least 20 minutes.  I think I'm developing a tick...
I try keeping the TV pretty loud throughout the day and I've also invested in radios for the kitchen and bedroom so I can try to drown the noise out when in those rooms.  When we get back to the states, I'll be looking into getting a few white noise machines to help block the noise because I don't know how much longer I can take this.  It's a really lovely house, but apparently not well built.  The lease is up in about 5 months and I've told my husband to not be surprised if I want to move again.  The only thing that worries me is that you just never know with these sort of houses if you're going to have the same problem again as soon as you move.  I just didn't think it was possible to have walls this thin.  We might as well just all move in together because it's as if we share a house already!  Then again, I never hear a thing from the people on the other side of us, so maybe it has something to do with the calibre of people you have living next to you as well.

Another hospital visit...

This morning I had to go back to the hospital.  I've been having a lot of pain and cramping for the last few days and this morning said enough is enough - we have to go to make sure everything is okay.  The good news is that we heard the baby's heartbeat and the doctor assured me he thought it was fine.  He took some blood work and some other tests and came to the conclusion I have an infection of some sort that has given me an 'irritable uterus'.  They are unsure if the infection is due to the surgery or if it's completely unrelated.  They gave me an antibiotic and are sending me back for an ultrasound later today to make sure it's nothing to do with my ovaries. 
I just can't seem to catch a break.  It seems to be one scare after another.  I really would love it if I could just have some time to relax and enjoy this experience. 
Physically, I'm feeling okay - just a bit worn out, but I'm just glad everything with the baby is fine.  I'm hoping to get a look at the baby when I go for the scan and maybe if we're lucky, we can find out the sex!

The whole sorted story...

I'm waiting for the visiting nurse to come and change the dressing on my incision so I can take a shower.  Showers are a luxury these days, but what I want most is to be able to bend over and have the ability to shave my legs and give myself a much needed pedicure!  I think it will be a while longer before that happens...
I guess I'm getting a little ahead of myself though.  Where do I start with this story?  It's been a long couple of months and so much has happened.  I guess I should start with the fact that on September 10th, I found out I was pregnant.  I didn't write about it because to be honest, after the miscarriage in June, this pregnancy felt really private and I only shared the news with a select few.  Wayne and I agreed to hold off on the celebration until the first 3 months were over. 
Almost immediately I started having pain in my right side.  I tried not to panic and thought it would pass.  Soon after, other symptoms started to arise - fatigue, nausea and oddly - a lot of sneezing (the midwife explained this was caused my the hormones effecting the blood vessels in my nose).  The pain in my side persisted as well.
At week 6 of my pregnancy, I called the doctor about the pain and they called me right in for an ultrasound to make sure it wasn't an ectopic pregnancy.  That day, I heard my baby's heartbeat.  It was the single most amazing moment of my life and I smiled for the rest of the day (much to my husband's dismay - he was really concerned about me getting too attached before we knew the pregnancy was safe and healthy).
2 weeks later, the midwife called me in and when I told her of the pain in my side she said it was probably due to the bowl descending with the pregnancy and told me not to worry.  I was sick every day and just thought maybe the pain was a part of this pregnancy. 
On the 13th, I had my first day out in weeks.  We had theatre tickets in London for over a month and I forced myself out for the weekend.  Through the weekend, the pain got progressively worse and on Sunday, after returning home, Wayne took me to the hospital.
Because I was pregnant, it was harder for the doctors to figure out what was wrong.  Monday, they sent me for an ultrasound to rule out a miscarriage and to examine my internal organs (they thought it could have been the gallbladder).  The ultrasound showed nothing abnormal and on Tuesday, with almost no notice - they rushed me off to surgery to remove my appendix. 
They gave me little hope for the baby.  The doctor gave me a speech about how easily I could get pregnant again and told me there was a 30% chance I'd lose the baby.  I was terrified and devastated.  About 30 minutes later, I was being wheeled into surgery.
After the surgery, they gave the baby a 48 hour window for miscarriage.  because I was pregnant there was little they could do in the way of pain meds.  I was given little more than an over the counter medicine for the pain of major surgery and I can't put into words how painful the next few days and very long nights were. 

It turned out, they had to cut a little more than they planned because when they found my appendix to be healthy (although they took it anyway) - they had to do a bit of exploring.  It turned out there was a bit of fatty tissue that somehow got twisted inside me and was dying and becoming toxic.  If they didn't operate it could have been quite dangerous. 
I suffered through until Friday when they finally sent me for an ultrasound to check on the baby and was overjoyed to find out out that everything was fine! 
Because I was being given so little in the way of pain medicine and very little assistance from the night nurses, I asked for an early release and was sent home that day.  I spent the weekend in bed, went to my GP on Monday to let him know the pain was still quite bad, but he just sent me home with nothing more to ease the pain.  He never even looked at the incision.  On Wednesday, the incision burst due to a build up of fluid with an infection and it was back to the hospital... 8 hours later, a surgeon came to see me and with no pain meds, he reopened the incision with a pair of forceps.  he packed it with gauze, dressed it and sent me home.  Friday, we were back again because the bleeding was too much to last until the nurse was due to arrive on Saturday.  I've had a nurse come everyday since to check the wound and redress it.  It will be another couple of weeks before it heals and I'm allowed to live any normal type of life.
All that said - I can't really complain.  Against all odds, the baby is ok and even though I've had to suffer without anything for pain - it's well worse the sacrifice. Next week, I'll be 3 months pregnant and I can't say enough how blessed I feel to have come this far.

Our London Trip (and Orlando Bloom)

Our trip to London was fabulous.  We had a really great time.  We were only supposed to be there 1 night, but we were having such a wonderful time we decided to stay another night.  We left Saturday morning and came home Monday night.  It was a holiday weekend so it worked out perfectly.  We figure since we're trying for a baby - our days of splurging and spur of the moment weekends away may be numbered. So, we're living for the moment and really enjoying ourselves.
The first night, we stayed in Trafalgar Square at The Trafalgar Hotel and the second night we stayed at the Marriott in Kensington.  Both hotels were wonderful and well worth the money.  We booked through priceline.com again and I can't say enough how much we've saved using that website - without using it we would never stay at such luxurious hotels - I highly recommend it!
Saturday night we had tickets to see a play called 'In Celebration' which starred Orlando Bloom.  I really like him and was surprised to get tickets considering he's a pretty big celebrity.  The show was really good, although I can't say I found Orlando Bloom's role or performance to be star quality.  I spent the whole time waiting for his character to say or do something significant, but it never happened.  He hardly spoke at all and considering his celebrity status, I think it was distracting and the play would have been better without the big name playing that part.  That being said - it was much better then most plays I've seen on the West End.
After the show, we went outside and waited for him to come out to see if he'd sign the programme.  There was a small crowd formed so we just joined them.  Before long - the small crowed turned into a huge crowd that literally took up the entire street the theatre was on.  I've never seen anything like it.  They even had barricades set up.  I don't know why I was so surprised - like I said he's a pretty big celebrity. 
Those of you who know me - know this wasn't my first attempt to get a programme signed after a play.  I've been disappointed before and thought considering the size of the crowd, there would be no way I'd be getting an autograph, but I'm pleased to report that Orlando Bloom did not disappoint (shame on you Mr Kilmer). 
We couldn't have gotten out of the crowd easily even if we wanted to, so we stuck around to at least try to get a good look at him up close.  He came out and worked his way around the crowed (behind the barricades of course) he stayed out there for quite some time and actually made a point of signing the programmes of the people that actually went to see the play.  I was too short to reach over the crowed, but Wayne handed him the programme and he did sign it.  Later, we had a good laugh looking at all the photos we tried to get while standing in the crowed.  If you go to my photos section, you can see a few of them under 'London 2007' along with the other photos I took throughout the weekend.
Sunday, we covered Covent Gardens and did some shopping.  We were really enjoying our trip and thought maybe we'd stay another night.  A few minutes after discussing it - we came across an internet cafe' and  took it as a sign.  We had already checked out of our hotel so we hopped on priceline and booked our 2nd night.
That night, we had dinner at an award winning Italian restaurant and had a fantastic meal (thanks to the concierge at our hotel).  Monday, we went to Hyde Park and Kensington Gardens.  This was a real treat because they are two places in London I hadn't been before so I really enjoyed it.  We took the train back Monday night and were exhausted by the time we came home, but it really was a wonderful weekend.  I was needing a weekend away.  I can't say what a difference it made.  It really lifted my spirits.
We had to go back into London on the following Wednesday to see a Specialist about my arthritis and ended up making another day of it.  We had lunch and spent the rest of the day shopping.  I've been trying to catch up with work ever since (which is why I haven't been blogging).  Just two days off really set me back, but I should be completely caught up by tomorrow.

The time has come

After a long few months, it's time for Wayne and I to start trying for a baby again.  To be honest, I've been tentative about this time coming.  A few weeks ago, I was thinking that I didn't think I'd want to try again right away.  My thinking was that when we do try again I'd have to be prepared for the possibility of another miscarriage.  I'm 35 and would be lying if I said I wasn't worried that there could be something wrong with me that would cause me to not be able to sustain a pregnancy.  The doctors here don't do tests until it's happened 3 times.  My biggest fear is that I may have missed my chance.  I know my worries may be superfluous, but it's still a possibility that I have to recognise and it's really not something I can say I'd be prepared for no matter how much time I tried to allow myself. 
So now that the time has come, I can't help but want to try again right away.  Wayne was keen to dismiss the doctors advise on waiting at all so there was no question for him on whether or not to give it more time.  I'm nervous, anxious and hopeful all at the same time and I wish I could fast forward through the month and take a test to see if we will conceive as easily as we did before.
We've decided to take a romantic break to London this weekend.  I love London.  I find it to be an absolutely magical place and  when I'm there, I still find it surreal that this girl from Jersey  is walking the streets of London.   We're staying in a really nice hotel, going to dinner and a show that I'm thrilled to have gotten tickets for.  We only seem to go to London for special occasions and this is indefinitely such an occasion.  I'm looking really forward to it.

Some good news!

I've had so much going on in the last few months that have just thrown me into a bit of a tailspin and I've been really down.  The same week I had the miscarriage, I was given the news that I was losing my business.  I have a small cosmetics web store and I was told by my supplier that they were changing sales policies and shutting down all outside web business (driving all internet sales to their own site).  They told me that as of Sept. 10th all sites will be shut down.  This news hit me hard and the timing was awful.
My supplier has guidelines in place for outside sales that I have never I'm really followed.  I have always broken the rules and knew that sooner or later they would catch up to me and shut me down.  It's been over a year.  I've had some warnings from them, but never listened thinking I'd keep going until they forced me to close.  I've always viewed it as riding the wave while I could.  I knew one day it would come to an end but wasn't really prepared for it to happen.
I just got a call from the head office.  My heart sank when they said who they were (thinking they were calling to inform me they shut me down early for going against guidelines).  They told me they were calling me to let me know they've been well aware that I have been going against guidelines for quite some time.  Then said there was no way to put it other than to tell me that they chose to look the other way.  They allowed it all this time because they were impressed with the way I run my business and with the quality of my site.  they told me the guidelines were in place to avoid their company name being damaged by bad service and dodgy sites that made them look unprofessional.  They told me they were really happy with all I've done and that even though things will be changing - they would like to keep me on as an affiliate.   They've made special arrangements for me to keep my existing customers and are allowing me to bring in new customers going forward.  My profit will be cut by 15% (ouch) but they are letting me to stay open.
They also let me know that they've passed my information on to the company that is handling their e-commerce campaign and recommended me as someone they should look into in hiring as a consultant because of my success and professionalism.
I am so pleased and proud by this news.  My business really means a lot to me and even though it's going to change, it could still work out well for me.  I feel a huge weight lifted and I'm so relieved.

My hypnosis session...

I went to the hypnotist yesterday to quit smoking.  I'm feeling ok.  I've done this before and it worked for 2 1/2 years so I know it can work.  I just have to get through the next couple of days and I'll be fine.  I'm having my first cup of coffee now.  My favorite cigarette of the day was with my morning cup of coffee.  Last time, I gave up coffee as well just because I found it associated too much with smoking, but this time I'm trying to keep the coffee.  I've only been smoking for a matter of months this time around - last time was nearly 15 years so I think I might be able to handle my morning cup of coffee without the added nicotine hit.  Time will tell...
Hypnosis is a really odd experience.  People say that you don't remember anything that happens while under - I think those people are full of it and have never actually experienced it.  I remember everything and while sitting there, I was completely aware of the room and the sounds around me.  That being said - it's almost like being in a half awake and a half dreamlike state.  At 7:00 in the morning, I don't really have the words to describe it any better than that.
During my session, the therapist told me to go back to the time I began smoking on a regular basis.  He told me to go back to that time and see myself and everything around me.  He told me to see it and take some time to observe it.  This may have taken 30 seconds, but to me it took much longer and I have to say it was an experience I will not soon forget.
I saw myself at 17.  I remember the day.  I was at a friends house for her brother's college graduation party.  That was the day I met my first big love for the very first time.  On that same day I met one of the closest friends I've ever had - that friend died 3 years later.  During my session I saw myself, my friends and my ex sitting on the front lawn of my girlfriend's house.  I saw it as if it were right in front of me -   Clear as day and even now as I type, I find it difficult to compose my emotions.  It was extraordinary.  It was as vivid as a lucid dream and I has overcome by emotion.  I won't go into too much detail, but as I sat there in my hypnotic state, I had tears running down my face.  I saw these people as if they were right in front of me.  These people who meant so much to me - these people who will never be together again...
When the session was over, I sat in his office and openly cried for a few minutes.  The therapist (a man of maybe 65) had no idea how to react.  He got me some water and some tissues and within a minute or two I composed myself, apologised and tried to explain, but I'm not sure he understood.  I'm not sure I can even explain it now.  I think my husband said it best - when I got in the car after the session, I told him what had happened and he said, 'Well, you've said for years that you wish you could dream of Jeff (my friend that died).  Looks like you got your wish.'  I did get my wish - and then some.