Pond Hopper

Possible C-Section

I had an appointment with my midwife yesterday.  The baby is breech (always has been) and she suspects due to his position, he will not make his natural turn for childbirth.  The result will be a c-section delivery.  I still have time, but if he hasn't turned by my next appointment in two weeks, she will start the wheels in motion and make an appointment with the OB to schedule a c-section.
Considering I just had surgery in October, this was not good news.  the last thing I want is to be cut again.  I had such a horrible experience with the last surgery and it's left me with a bit of a fear of ever having to go through it again.  Not to mention that a c-section birth is far from the birth plan Wayne and I have been working on.  I wanted the baby to go directly to me when he was born.  We had planned to request he be left on me and alone with us for the first 90 minutes after he was born to start the bonding processes and give him his first feed naturally.  I was so pleased when I found out that such requests were possible (as long as the birth went well) it sounded like such a beautiful experience -  I had no idea that if they place the baby on you after birth, they will make their way to the breast on their own to start the first feed (which usually takes place within the first hour or so).  This crawling reflex is only possible for a very short time after birth.  I was going to have the baby lie with me (skin on skin) close to my chest and allow him to feed when he was ready.  With a c-section, I won't even be able to hold him until I am out of recovery.  This breaks my heart.
I'm now 32 weeks pregnant (just started month 8).  If babies don't turn by week 35 - chances are they wont.  Keep your fingers crossed for me that the little guy cooperates and starts his decent soon.

The 4D ultrasound

We went for the 4D ultrasound on Saturday.  It was absolutely amazing! ( I've attached a photo, but if you'd like to see them all - click here for the photos and click here for the video). As you can see from the photo, it was really clear and we could get a good idea of what our little boy looks like.  I cried during a good part of it, just in awe of this little face - the face of my son.  I just can't believe it.  I am truly in love with this little life inside me and I can't wait to hold him.  This pregnancy has changed ever since - I thought I loved every movement before, but now it's even more amazing!  Sure, I have pain and very very swollen feet, but none of it bothers me too much any more.  It's all so worth it.  I am so excited and so thrilled.  Any woman who's feeling a bit fed up with being pregnant, should go through the experience of the 4d ultrasound because it renews the joy of it all over again!  I have 9 weeks to go (8 weeks according to my OB in the States) and I really can't wait!

A nice couple of weeks

The last couple of weeks have been really lovely pregnancy weeks.  Last week, we started our pre-natal (antenatal in the UK) classes.  It's a very small group of us that meet on Thursday evenings at the teacher's house.  It's really nice because it's very casual and quite social.  Because there are only 3 other couples, we cover what ever it is we want to cover (although the teacher does make sure she covers the essentials).  It's been lovely for me because I certainly don't have a social life and having other couples to share and discuss things with has been really enjoyable.
This week, my midwife was on vacation and her replacement was wonderful.  During my examination, she showed me the babies head between her two hands on my belly.  She showed both Wayne and I by directing our hands as well - it was amazing.  She was so enthusiastic about it as well (my midwife has no personality and doesn't seem to enjoy her job in any way).  It was the most enjoyable midwife appointment I've had to date - I only wish I could replace my midwife with her for good.
The most exciting thing this week is that today, we're going to have a 4D ultrasound!  We're going to get an actual peek at what our baby looks like!  I am so excited, I'm jumping out of my skin!  I just can't wait!  I'll scan the photos and post them as soon as I can.  Have to run - we're leaving for our appointment in a few minutes!

4:00 AM

It's 4AM and I can't sleep.  I slept for a little while, but got up for one of my many bathroom trips of the night, and couldn't get back to sleep.
The baby is due in just over 10 weeks.  I feel huge and assume I am because I've been asked on more than one occasion if I'm having twins.  I met a woman recently that wasn't much bigger than me.  She asked when I was due and I told her I wasn't due until May and asked her - how about you?  She replied with '2 weeks'! She was due in 2 weeks and wasn't far off from my size.  I was so embarrassed (even after she assured me she was 'carrying small').  I've gained 25lbs so far (which isn't that bad considering I was on bed rest for a month after having surgery during the 1st trimester). I took a good look in the mirror today and I'm mainly belly.  Sure, I sometimes feel like I'm beginning to resemble Jabba The Hut, but the extra weight isn't really that hard to deal with.  That being said, I hope I don't get too much bigger or I worry I may not be able to stand upright!
I'm excited to finally be into the 3rd trimester.  I really can't wait to meet our little boy.  I'm a bit scared about the birth, but more excited than anything else.  Sometimes it still feels so surreal.  I can't believe I'm going to be a mother.  It's such an amazing feeling and I feel so blessed to be starting a family with a man I truly adore.  I wish I could put into words how wonderful it feels.  I only wish I was going to be around my family and friends when the time comes so I can share it with them as well, but life isn't always perfect and I have to be grateful for all I have.  Happiness takes compromise and I'm learning that you can't have everything. Like I said before - I feel blessed to have the life I have here with Wayne and I'm looking so forward to this new phase of our life to start.

My block

The other day, I had someone say to me - 'What's with your blog? - It's weak.'  I know it's weak.  I know I avoid it like the plague and never actually sit down to do anything about it.  There are probably a few reasons for this...
A little over a month ago, I found out that two of my exes read this blog that I didn't know knew about it.  Knowing one of them in particular reads, makes it even harder to sit down and write about things that are going on in my life.  I run my own business from home so I don't have a lot of outside influences to inspire what I write about. In turn, this blog has always been very personal.  It's not like I can write about the little things like what happened on my way to work today or a conversation I have with a co-worker.  There is no office and there are no co-workers.  My life pretty much consists of Wayne, me, myself & I (not to mention the little guy I'm sharing my body with at the moment).  I'm not complaining mind you, but it doesn't leave much in the way of anecdotes to fill my blog entries with.  With this blog always being so very personal - knowing that my exes read it makes me feel a bit exposed.  Crazy right??  I mean this is a public blog on the world wide web!  Most of the people who read it are strangers - so why is it that knowing people who actually know me read it would make me feel so exposed??  I just can't explain it, but it's given me a block and I miss having the outlet of this blog.  In 3 months time, I'm going to have a baby.  I have a lot on my mind every day and countless things to write about, but it's just not easy sharing such personal topics with people who I used to share my like with, but don't any more. Am I making any sense at all?  Maybe I just need to get over it - I just wish I knew how to.

I don't blog enough these days

I don't blog nearly enough.  It's strange really because I'm the type that has always kept a journal or diary of some sort.  I need to write out what's on my mind to get it out and feel better for addressing it.  Since I've been pregnant, I can't seem to bring myself to do that and I'm really not sure why.  I have a pregnancy journal as well (actually, I have 2), but I have yet to really write anything in them.  Again, I'm not sure why.  I have so much on my mind and I'm feeling so much with this baby coming (as well as a few other things I've had on my mind as well), but I still can't bring myself to write it out...
I've kept to myself a lot since we got back from the states.  I don't make many calls and I spend my days alone quietly keeping busy.  I've had other expats email me to make contact with other expats living here - I want to respond to them - I keep meaning to and yet I don't any more than I blog when I know I should.  Maybe it's a bit of a slump I need to get through (although it's not as if I'm walking around depressed either) - I don't know what it is I'm going through, but I will try to be more diligent in writing and touching base with the people I know I should.

If I knew then what I know now

How many times have we said to ourselves - If I had known then what I know now... I've thinking that a lot lately.  The thing is that I've recently found out an ugly truth about my past that's been hard to come to terms with.  It turns out that someone that meant a great deal to me was someone I never knew at all.  They turned out to be a liar that betrayed me a lifetime ago.  If I had known then what I know now my life for years and years to come would have been very different - unbelievably different.
So now I know this truth and on one hand - I'm broken-hearted and feel so hurt (even after all these years), but on the other hand, I can't help but wonder if it's because of that betrayal that I am where I am now.  If not for what they did - if I had known who they really were, would I be here now with the love of my life having his baby?  Did their lie bring me to this time and this place?  If I could go back would I change it?  As much as I hate this ugly truth, I think I need to be grateful for it and admit to myself that I wouldn't change it because maybe if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't be where I am today.
So, it's good that I know the truth.  Maybe now, I can move forward knowing that I am with the one and only great love of my life instead of keeping up pedestals that should never have been built up in the first place.  As much as it's hurt to learn the truth, in the end it's actually made me appreciate my marriage even more than I did before.  They say that everything happens for a reason...

Turning 36

Tomorrow is my birthday.  I'm turning 36.  It feels uneventful this year - like I could almost forget if I wasn't near a calender.  Maybe it's because this year things are more like they should be and turning another year older just isn't p phasing me all that much.  I know last year turning 35  really bothered me, but I was turning 35 and still had no children - maybe I felt time was running out and it scared me.  This year I'll be having a baby and I have a wonderful husband & marriage.  This year it hardly even bothers me that I'll be spending most of the day by myself before Wayne gets home from work (I guess we'll have to see how I feel tomorrow).  Maybe birthdays don't phase you as much when you have almost everything you want.  A few friends in the same country would be nice, but I can't really complain can I?
The baby furniture  came for the nursery today.  I'm really excited to see it and hoping Wayne will be just as keen and want to put it together tonight so that tomorrow I can spend the day organizing the room.  We have boxes of stuff from the baby shower just sitting in the nursery and as it is right now, I peek in there every once in a while just to see the things because it makes it all feel less surreal.  I really can't wait to start decorating the room. 

I've had a lot going on...

I haven't written in a week or so.  I've had a lot going on - some rather emotional stuff that's had me distracted and I've been keeping to myself.  To add to what was already on my mind, I got a call this morning from my mother letting me know that my step-Dad's brother past away last night.  My step-dad is a parent to me in every sense of the word and it is difficult being so far away while he is in so much pain.  He broke down on the phone with me as soon as he heard my voice.  In my life, I've only heard him cry once or twice before and it was terrible.  His brother was young - only in his late 40s or early 50s.  He was sick for a long time with leukaemia, but after a bone marrow transplant he was doing well and we thought he'd pull through.  He took a turn for the worst in the last week and died last night.  I was really shocked to hear it.  I guess I don't like to think the worst and just thought he'd be okay.  It's hard not being able to be there for the funeral.
That being said - Physically, (pregnancy related) I'm feeling okay.  My back has been bad but I'm dealing.  My feet have been swollen since the flight and from the ankle down - I look like a 300lb woman!  Like I said, I'm dealing and it's totally worth it!
I have been getting some comments and correspondence from readers and I just want to let you all know that I'm not ignoring you.  I have every intention of getting back to you all.  I guess I'm just waiting to have a clear head.  Thank you all for the well wishes and for touching base.  I promise I'll be in touch soon!

Glad to be back

We got back on Friday afternoon.  Saturday, I slept until 2pm.  I don't think I thought through how pregnancy and arthritis was going to factor in to such a long trip.  We were on the go for almost 3 1/2 weeks straight.  There wasn't a lot of time for rest and I'm still paying for it now with a good deal of pain and little or no energy for most of the day. 
It was good to go back and see everyone, but to be honest by New Years Day, I was ready to come back.  Things happened with family that I won't go into that put a bit of a damper on my time, but I think maybe it's better that way - there are a lot less tears when you leave feeling a bit fed up.
I'm nearly 6 months pregnant now.  It's going so fast now that the 2nd trimester started.  The first trimester was the longest 3 months of my life, but now it's flying by.  The baby is active every day and I can't say enough about how amazing it is to feel this little life inside me every day.  I am really enjoying this part of pregnancy.  Although the pain in my back is worse than it's ever been (probably due to my very large belly), it's truly worth it.  I may be uncomfortable physically a lot of the time, but emotionally - I am over the moon!  I can't wait to meet him.  It's still so surreal.