Pond Hopper

If I knew then what I know now

How many times have we said to ourselves - If I had known then what I know now... I've thinking that a lot lately.  The thing is that I've recently found out an ugly truth about my past that's been hard to come to terms with.  It turns out that someone that meant a great deal to me was someone I never knew at all.  They turned out to be a liar that betrayed me a lifetime ago.  If I had known then what I know now my life for years and years to come would have been very different - unbelievably different.
So now I know this truth and on one hand - I'm broken-hearted and feel so hurt (even after all these years), but on the other hand, I can't help but wonder if it's because of that betrayal that I am where I am now.  If not for what they did - if I had known who they really were, would I be here now with the love of my life having his baby?  Did their lie bring me to this time and this place?  If I could go back would I change it?  As much as I hate this ugly truth, I think I need to be grateful for it and admit to myself that I wouldn't change it because maybe if I knew then what I know now - I wouldn't be where I am today.
So, it's good that I know the truth.  Maybe now, I can move forward knowing that I am with the one and only great love of my life instead of keeping up pedestals that should never have been built up in the first place.  As much as it's hurt to learn the truth, in the end it's actually made me appreciate my marriage even more than I did before.  They say that everything happens for a reason...

On this day...

Today is a significant day for me.  It was on this day 15 years ago, that I lost a friend - one of the best friends I've ever had.  I write about him every year.  I try not to talk about how he died, but how he lived.  So today I'm going to start from the beginning...
When you're a kid, summer is a magical time filled with adventures and possibilities. When we finish school and get older, somehow that magic fades and we forget what it was like to be so young, carefree and optimistic.  With age, it becomes a season instead of the adventure it once was.  My last summer of magic and optimistic youth was the summer of '89.
That summer, my high school sweetheart dumped me for the 2^nd consecutive summer (wanting the time to be free before the fall when he’d decide he wanted a girlfriend again). I was down in the dumps and a friend invited me to a party to try to cheer me up. She wanted me to meet her new boyfriend and said that he had a friend she knew I’d hit it off with. She’d been telling me about him for weeks and thought it was time I started seeing other people. I told her I had no interest in being fixed up, but I’d go to the party on the terms that I’d meet him and see for myself what I thought. I never could have known that it was on that day that my life would be forever changed.
Her boyfriend was my friend I started this post talking about - Jeff. We hit it off immediately. We were instant friends and behaved like brother and sister from the get go.  To this day, I have never connected with a friend so instantly. He had 2 friends with him - one that I also was fast friends with and the other, was the friend my girlfriend wanted to fix me up with. He was a gorgeous blond, blue eyed charmer that I was instantly struck by. I remember the moment we met – I knew I was done for. My friend introduced us and I swear for a moment there was no-one else there but the two of us – it was like a scene from a movie. He took my hand, looked me straight in the eyes and repeated my name as if he wanted memorise it. He smiled as he did this and I was a goner. Throughout the rest of the day, when we weren’t together - he watched me and didn’t mind at all if I noticed. Needless to say, we also hit it off and I would spend the following 10+ years in love with him.
From that day, for the rest of the summer we were together – the five of us. We had a wonderful time - The last of the magical summers. By summer’s end – the three guys were leaving. Two, joined the service and Jeff took a job working with the military. For the  following years the couples tried to survive long distance relationships and  as friends, we all tried to survive  the dramas  of it all.  The next time we were all together again was at Jeff's funeral 3 years later.
Jeff and I were always very close.  He was like an overprotective brother who always looked out for me.  I can't say this didn't have it's complications in the group dynamic, but he always had my best interest in mind.  We had a strange connection that I was never able to explain.  He always knew when I needed him (even when it had been months since we last spoke).  I remember one night in particular - it was the middle of the night and I was awake and crying over my latest heartbreak with his friend.  Jeff called me saying 'What's wrong - I felt like you needed me and had to call' He was calling from Hawaii. I couldn't believe it and just said - How do you do that??  How do you always know?? We spent the entire night talking and I can't say what a comfort he was.  It was like that from the start and stayed that way until he died.
In 1992, a drunk driver ran a stop sign and hit the car Jeff was in.  He had a massive head trauma and spent weeks in a coma.  I didn't find out about the accident until he had woken up and went to see him as soon as I got the news.  I spent the following few months visiting him nearly every day in the hospital and when he got well enough, I took him out on the weekends as well to try to help him feel normal again.  When he woke up from the coma, he thought it was still 1989.  He thought nothing had changed, but by that time everything had changed and it was hard for him to understand. 
He was different after the accident, but to me it didn't matter.  I almost loved him more for the person he became.  Although he was almost child-like at times with a sweet innocence that only a head trauma could give (god he'd hate me saying that), he was still Jeff.  I always described it as 'Jeff without the attitude.'  He didn't hold back.  He said everything he thought when he thought it and he told me he loved me a lot.  His face lit up every time I walked into his room and he was an amazingly strong through his recovery.
We were really close through those months - Closer than ever.  Then one day I got the call - he died in the middle of the night.  A blood clot (he was aware of but never told me about) went from his brain to lungs.  In an instant he was gone, but while he was here he lived better than most.  He loved with no boundaries and he smiled more than anyone I've ever known.  I will always miss him and I will always be grateful for the time we had while he was here.

It's a shame

I heard a song today that gave me a happy memory of an ex - an ex that's still one of my all time favorite people I've ever known.  I wanted to write to him and say hello & share my memory and then I thought he'd probably rather I didn't.  It's unfortunate that it has to be this way.  I mean just because we've moved on why can't we still be a part of each other's lives?  I guess it just doesn't work that way and I think it's a shame. 

There are so few people we connect with in this life enough to say the words 'I love you' (Well at least I haven't had it happen many times) - so few people who we get to know on such an intimate level (and I don't mean sexually). We can spend years of our lives with that person being on the forefront of our minds and hearts, we get to know each other in ways that few ever do again and then one day they just fade into the background and we pretend they were never there at all.  It's sad that this is the way it works.  It seems such a waste and I think it's a shame.  I mean once you love someone don't you always love them on some level?  Is that just me?  Am I one of the few that thinks it's wrong that we can love someone and when it's over we try to erase them and then just replace them.  In my opinion - there isn't one person I've loved that can be replaced.  Each one has been unique  and have contributed to my life in very different ways.  I wouldn't try to replace them or forget them and I think it's a shame that they would want me to.  There are so few people in this life we truly know and love and I wish they didn't have to fade into the background.

This entry inspired by...

ast week I asked for blogging ideas to help me along with getting back into blogging regularly. The following entry was inspired by the suggestion of writing about my most embarrassing moments...
When I was 17, I met and began dating my first love (because I don't like to use names 'I'll call him Ashley). Before I met him, I had only had one other boyfriend. My high school sweetheart and I dated for the 3 years prior and because we were so young, we didn't really 'date' we just went from being friends to being a couple. So, dating was a new experience for me when Ashley and I got together. He was nearly 4 years older than me, he was charming and very good looking - because of this combination, in the beginning I was completely intimidated (not to mention smitten) and a nervous wreck every time I had to be alone with him. At the time, neither one of us had a car so when we went out I had to borrow my brother's car and pick him up. I was always so nervous and had only been driving a few months (bad combination).
On our second date, I was a nervous wreck and inadvertently turned down a one way street going the wrong way (a street I had driven on a hundred times before 'going the right direction) and was pulled over by a cop. I was mortified when he began with 'Have you been drinking' I said no and he asked a few more questions before going back to his car to run my licence and write me a ticket. While we waited, Ashley turned to me, smiled gently and asked if I was ok. I said yeas, but I really wanted to die. The officer came back to the car and walked up to Ashley's window instead of mine. He handed him the ticket he wrote me and asked 'Do you have a licence son? Ashley replied 'yes sir, I do' The officer then said, 'Then I suggest you drive from now on' 'Yes sir, Ashley answered and got out of the car to come around to my side to take over driving. It was awful! He took it quite well and was lovely about it. A few blocks away, he pulled over and let me drive again (although I don't know why).
Later that night, I dropped him off at a friend's apartment complex and while backing away 'I backed right into the designated garbage area and knocked down 4 or 5 metal garbage cans making the loudest crash! He stood there and smiled at me and waved before I sped away in utter embarrassment! I don't know why he went out with me again, but believe it or not 'we stayed together for 2 more years after that and when ever I dropped him off at that friends house, without fail 'I crashed into those damned garbage cans!

I can see clearly now

It’s funny what inspires – for me, more than anything, its music. I’ve had nothing to say for weeks (probably because I’ve had so much on my mind, it’s difficult to find the words to say what it is I’m going through), but I hear a song and suddenly I’m compelled to write…
I can see clearly now by Jonny Nash was just played on my NY radio station (they sure do play some cheesy music). From the first line of the song, I was struck by a memory that I had long forgotten. When I was 17, I met my first love (it feels like a lifetime ago and yet some things I can still remember like it was yesterday). We met in early summer and I was immediately swept off my feet by this larger than life, blue eyed boy that made you smile just being near him. Looking back, I think it’s what drew me to him. It wasn’t his charm (sure it helped), it wasn’t his looks (although he was easy on the eyes) – it was his presence. He had a way about him that just made you smile. He was always smiling and it was contagious. It made you happy just to be near him.
One rainy morning, we spent hours on the phone waiting for the rain to stop. I remember he woke me up with some wonderful words when I answered the phone and I thought it was the best way a girl could be woken up (ahh, youth). After hours of conversation, he said – I think the rain stopped. Hold on and I’ll check. I heard him put down the phone (it was the days before cordless phones!) and as he came back to pick it back up, he was singing loudly and beautifully – I can see clearly now the rain has gone… When hearing that song today, I could almost feel enthralment and youthful optimism you can only have the first time you fall in love.
Looking back to when Wayne and I first fell in love, I can’t help but feel sorry that it had to be so filled with fear (on both out parts) instead of the blissful experience you get with your first love. When you’ve been hurt, it’s so hard to just let yourself go and fall in love again (not that it stopped us). I remember being terrified when I realized my feelings for him and crying uncontrollably because the thought of letting it happen and being hurt again was almost too much to bear (hell, I still get scared sometimes). What courage it takes to take the leap (and what a leap it was). Luckily, it paid off, but I can’t help but be sorry it wasn’t a bit easier getting there.

Drama Queen

There's a segment on the radio station I listen to (BBC Radio One) that's called Laura's diary, where the sister of one of the girls on the show calls in and reads her diary from when she was a young girl (high school/university age). This morning's entry was really funny. It was as if someone was reading out of my diary from that time in my life - it was ever so dramatic (but at that age isn't everything?) - Ben (her first boyfriend/serious relationship) decided he wanted to go back to school as a single guy when he went off to university and she stayed with him the rest of the summer (the stupid, stupid girl)...
When I was around that age, my childhood sweetheart (we'll call him Jonny – I’ve decided they need names instead of just titles) would break-up with me every summer to see what else was out there. I was always heartbroken and stupidly took him back as soon as he was done having his fun (stupid, stupid girl). Until one fateful summer when I met (we'll call him, Ashley - unless he hates it and has a better suggestion) my first real love. Oh, how Jonny changed his tune when he realized Ashley existed, but it was too late. Poor Jonny never saw it coming…
It is funny how very dramatic things are when you’re a teenager and experiencing things for the first time. It’s as if we could die of a broken heart any day… Our parents must have gone crazy having to deal with it – forgetting that at the time, it feels like the world is actually ending because it’s a pain that’s never been experienced before (oh the drama of Ashley and the heartbreak I went through – I thought I’d die a thousand times over). I hope if I end up with a daughter, someone reminds me of this when I’m not taking her drama seriously. I hope I’ll be able to help her through it and share my stories so that she knows she’s not the only one to go through it and knows that she too will survive. I hope I’ll rise above wanting to choke her and call her a drama queen like my mother did.
In 20 years time (at this rate, it will be that long before I could have a teenage daughter) will I forget what it was like? Is it just a part of parenthood? I guess only time will tell (and actually having a child).

A blast from the past...

I got the most bazaar email today from my ex-husband confessing his undying love for me. We had a strange relationship. We were together for nearly 10 years. When we met, I was in love with someone else (someone who was no longer an active participant in my life, but I still loved all the same) and was very honest about that fact. When we moved in together that fact still hadn't changed and when we married years later, I was still in love with someone else. He knew it, I knew it and yet we got married anyway. I think we both thought it was just a part of who I was. It was just one of those things - my favorite color was purple, I loved photography, was a really good cook and I just happened to be in love with someone else.
Don't get me wrong, it's not that I didn't love my ex-husband. I did, but we were really more like great friends than anything else, so I forgave him when he cheated and he forgave me for loving someone else for as long as we were together. We were never the kind of couple who appeared to be hopelessly in love, but we were good together and I think I told myself that romance wasn't everything and that all that mattered was that we were such great friends and he'd make a really good father. After nearly a decade together, I left him. I decided that maybe romance did matter and realized when I did have a family, I wanted it to be with the love of my life not my friend.
Six years on, and I've been through so much since leaving him that I never really looked back at him or the years we spent together. I'm now married to a man I'm hopelessly in love with and for the first time in all of my adult life, although I'll proabably always love the man I spent all those years in love with - I'm only 'in love' with Wayne and my life is finally as it should be.
So, when I got the email from my ex today, I was shocked to find he claimed to still love me and that he wasn't happy because he constantly finds himself comparing every woman he meets to me. I find this bizarre because he never seemed to ever really be in love with me. Before we were married, he actually admitted he wasn't, but now he claims to be and I can't wrap my head around it. I'm kind of in shock and I don't know how to respond to him. I don't know if I even should. I feel like I never really knew him and I spent more than half my adult life with him. I thought by now, he would have realized that we should never have been together never mind for as long as we were.

Summertime

Summertime is a strange and nostalgic time for me. Important things happened to me in the summertime. I met two very significant people on the very same summer day a really long time ago. One of them was my very first love and the other became one of the very best friends I have ever had. Three years later (also in the summertime), it was over between my love and I (the relationship anyway) and we were burying our friend. Every year since, when the anniversary of his death comes nearer, I am sucked back to those years when we were all together and then reminded of having to say good-bye.
Just last night, I sat up with my husband talking about it all. I laughed & cried and told my stories (probably the same stories I tell every summer). Each year, he always listens patiently as I try to make sense of it. Each year, I remember less of my dear friend's face and voice and I struggle with the guilt of it; and then there are the years & years of my old love and I and what went wrong. When did it go so wrong and why am I still so haunted by it? (As Whitney Huston comes on the TV behind me singing I will always love you sending me straight back to that time – how eerie is that?)
This morning, before Wayne left for work, I thanked him for listening. I explained (as I do every year) why I get this way each summer and told him about the dreams I end up having and the memories that come flooding back.
I told him – I think I know what I did to change things between my old love and I. I told him something I said once years ago and didn’t mean. I told him how awful it was. I told him it was the only time I have ever chosen words to intentionally hurt someone. I said the most horrible thing and I didn’t mean it for even a second. I was just so hurt… Wayne asked - why don’t you write to him to say your sorry? I told him I’ve written a few times in recent months with no reply (not about that per se, but still with no reply). So, I guess this is as close as I’ll get for now because I don’t know if he even remembers what I said, but I do and I’m so very sorry.
This blog is my outlet for those things that float around in my head that I can’t do anything about. Someone asked me recently ‘Why do you write about such things? What makes you think people care about any of it?’ I said I don’t care if other people are interested or not. This blog is for me. It’s my memoirs – my history – my thoughts and ramblings – that just happen to be public. I used to write letters I didn’t send. I guess this blog is my way of sending them.

Change is good(?)

Yesterday's entry made me realize how much I've changed in the last few years. Some years back, I was going through self analyzation faze. I wanted to figure out what it was about me that I might need to change in order to be a better person and to have a happier life. I knew I need to consult someone who really knew me, but wouldn't be afraid to be honest with me. I decided to consult the one person that has not only seem me at my very best, but at my very worst and somehow, always loved me anyway. So, I went to my PC and sent him an instant message asking if he'd be willing to talk for a minute. He agreed, and I got straight to the point and asked him what my biggest flaw was. He didn't have to think about it. I saw on the bottom of the screen that he was typing a message and I tried to prepare myself for his answer. A million things went through my head - you're too sensitive, you're too sarcastic, you're too quick tempered, you're a drama queen (would he dare??)... I tried to be ready for any answer he could have and this is what he said - 'Your biggest flaw is also your greatest attribute: You truly believe there is good in everyone and as wonderful as that is, it's also very dangerous.' I was stunned by his answer. He knew me so well and leave it to him to point out my biggest flaw and still make me feel special. Touched by his answer and startled by how right he was - I sat for a moment to collect myself. I think he thought he hurt me with his answer and probably sat in dread for a moment before I said anything. Through my tears, I thanked him and we said our good-byes soon after.
These days, his answer would not reflect the person I am. These days, I'm a jaded cynic. I don't know when or how it's changed, but I know it's not who I am anymore. Maybe I've been hurt or disappointed one too many times. Maybe it's being exposed to the world and finally seeing it for what it really is. Maybe I've seen people lie and be disloyal to each other one too many times. I don't know what changed me, but I do know that what once defined me is no longer who I am. I wonder if he knew this if he'd be glad to see I've finally grown up or if he'd somehow, be disappointed by it. I guess the bigger question should be - If it's no longer who I am then what would the answer be today and was I better off before I became so jaded?

Chasing Cars

While in Ireland, my husband and I were relaxing in our room listening to the new Snow Patrol CD when the song 'Chasing Cars' came on. He told me that a friend said it was the best song ever written. I thought, that's quite a statement - 'The best song ever written'. There are a lot of great songs. I don't think I could ever pick just one, so it made me want to listen to the song more closely. I listened to it and it's an absolutely beautiful song and I can find parts of it that I can relate to on so many levels not only now with my husband, but with other times of my life as well. It's a touching powerful song about being in love, but the person who said it was the best song ever written, to my knowledge, has never been really been in love or in any meaningful relationship. When I listen to this song, I can't help to wonder what it makes him think of to warrant being the best song ever written. I wonder if there is a part of him that we don't know - a part of him he keeps hidden because a song like that would have to remind him of something beautiful to mean that much to him. Or could it be that the song reminds him of what he wants, but has never had?
Just the thought of that being the case, makes me sad when I hear it knowing that he has never known love, but it also reminds me of how lucky I am to know the meaning of such lyrics. Some people wait their whole lives for something that can bring meaning to Chasing Cars. How did I get so lucky to not only have it now, but to have had it once before? Maybe that's why I can't look back on past love of as a bad thing just because it ended. I have to look back on it as a fortuitous and precious thing because there are so many people out there waiting for it to happen to them.
It's because of all this that I've chosen to update my song of the week section (more like song of the month these days) click the link above to listen to Chasing Cars...