Pond Hopper

Due today...

Today is my due date (the US due date was last week) and no signs of the baby coming any time soon.  I've been trying to stay busy and as active as I can, but it's not real easy to be very active for very long.  When I feel up to it, Wayne and I walk on the harbour (hoping to bring on labour) and on the weekends we try to get as much done as we can - never knowing when my last day out and about will be.
There has been a lot to do.  My sister is arriving on Saturday so we've been trying to finish our decorating which we couldn't do until our new furniture arrived.  We ordered it 3 months ago and it finally arrived last week.  We also finished the baby's room and I love it!  All I need now is a baby to put in it!
A week after my sister leaves, my father will be arriving for his visit and in August my best friend is coming as well (we're hoping anyway).  This will be the first visits I've had since I moved here nearly 4 years ago.  I'm looking really forward to it.  I just hope that the baby doesn't come on the same day my sister arrives!  With any luck it will be any day now and I won't have to endure going too long over due and be induced (which they won't do until I'm 10 days late).

Waiting

Waiting seems to be what my life is about these days.  I'm waiting for the arrival of my little boy.  The little boy inside of me who I can't wait to meet.  I can't wait to finally see him and hold him and get to know him.  I am already so in love with him and can't imagine how it will feel when he's finally here. 
I can't wait to study his face and watch it change in the first months of his life and see him begin to resemble me or his father.  Will he be fair like Wayne or darker like me?  Will his eyes be blue or brown?  Will his lips curl like his father's?  Will he be blond or brunette?  I'm looking so forward to these mysteries finally being revealed.
Believe it or not, I'm even looking forward to the late night feedings because it means he will be here with us.  I just want it all to begin.  I want to finally become the mother I've been waiting my whole life to be.  I have just a little over a week until my due date - hopefully, I won't have to wait much longer.  Hopefully, he's not late and he will arrive any day now.

Still waiting...

It's been a while since I've blogged and I figured people must be wondering if it's because I gave birth - sadly, no.  Even though I'm full term, I have 2 weeks to go to my due date (1 week according to my doctor in the US) and although, I've tried everything they say puts you into labour - I am still waiting for my boy to be ready to make his appearance. 
This stage of pregnancy is not much fun at all.  I am quite large, very uncomfortable and really tired.  Everything I do requires more energy than I seem to have and every task turns into a bit of a struggle that exhausts me quite quickly.  The baby's head has engaged into the pelvis; which is good because it means he's in the birthing position, but also bad because it's not at all comfortable to have a head stuck in your pelvis!  My back gets worse every day and my feet are still painfully swollen.  On some days the only things I can fit on my feet are a pair of flip flops or a pair of slippers that I bought for the hospital (both at least one size too big).  The swelling has also spread well up my legs, into my hands and my face.  I now resemble a blown up version of my old self.  I look like the current Erren ate the old Erren!  The only thing I like about the extra weight is the enormous belly which there's no mistaking houses our little boy that I'm eagerly waiting to meet.  As much as I enjoy the displays of lumps and bumps that emerge form my belly on a daily basis, I'd much rather get on with it and be holding the baby instead.  With any luck, it won't be long now!

The baby has turned!

On Wednesday, the midwife confirmed that the baby turned to the head down position!  As long as he doesn't flip again - there will be no scheduled c-section for me!  I am just thrilled!  I really didn't want to go through another surgery so this is just wonderful news - my boy is cooperating!
I went to the Mom's club for the 2nd week yesterday.  It's been really nice to be around other pregnant woman as well as all the new Moms and their babies.  I held a 5 week old little boy yesterday.  His Mom just handed him to me and said can you hold him while I drink my tea? At first I was terrified and held him awkwardly as if to say 'What now?' (I haven't held a baby in years and don't have a whole lot of experience) but the panic very quickly turned into my heart just melting over this tiny little boy who was staring up at me.  I felt kinda bad because his mother just complained to me that he never looked at her in the face.  She said he's rather look at blank walls than look at her.  He couldn't take his eyes off of me.  He stared mesmerized at my face.  All the other Moms just stopped what they were doing to watch him looking at me.  I changed his position briefly and when he couldn't see me he cried.  As soon as I was back in his line of site he stopped.  It was a wonderful experience that made it all so real.  I'm soon going to have a little one of my own and I am just so excited to finally meet him - I wish I could fast forward to the day he arrives. 
I still have over 5 weeks to go and I'm so ready to have this baby!  Yesterday, it took me 10 minutes to put on my shoes because of the size of my belly and the swelling in my feet!  It seems like everything I do is a struggle.  I'm always uncomfortable and not sleeping well at night.  I was told the last couple of months are the hardest, but didn't know just how hard it would be.  I'm ready.  They say after 36 weeks it could happen at any time.  I'm 34 weeks and counting - hoping he comes closer to 36 weeks than the average of 42 (they say most first time Moms average at about 10 days late)!

Email Remorse

I think there should be an automatic delay on sending personal emails to give you time to reflect and decide if it's something you really want to send.  Or even a pop-up message that pops up saying - Are you sure you want to send this? - followed by another that says - Are you positive because it can't be unsent!  I can't say how many times I've had email remorse after sending an email that was sent in haste.  In haste over anger, hurt feeling, nostalgia and a couple of times while medicated for pain due to my arthritis (I now stay far away from my computer if I ever need medication). 
I've sent a few of those types of emails lately.  One that was brought on by none of the above but ended up causing a chain reaction of several that were sent in haste over almost all of the above (I wish I could blame meds, but sadly I haven't taken any for months).  The first couple were bad enough, but the last one I sent was the mother of all emails that should have a delay.  I'm now left feeling silly and terribly exposed. 
I keep forgetting that I'm not like most people and because of that - many people find it hard to understand me (never mind put up with me).  I'm over sensitive, emotional to a fault and I care about things and individuals that most wouldn't.  It's those very things about me that have made many in my life love me, but in the end - they have hated me for them too.  I can't count the number of times I've been told that my heart's too big.  After a while, it's a hard pill to swallow and I wish I could be different.
Now, the emails have been sent.  I'm suffering from remorse and cringing every time I get email worried and wondering if it will be a response.  Part of me hopes I won't get one because it will probably say something that will only make me feel worse (as deserving as it may be) and the other part of me hopes there will be because I've said so much that being ignored might hurt more.  I am a stupid, stupid woman and I never learn my lesson.  I should have my email privileges revoked for life...

A difficult week

It's been a really emotional week.  I got a tearful call from my sister last week telling me that her ex (her first big love and love of her life until now) committed suicide.  They were high school sweethearts and were together for years.  Once they broke up she still loved him and spent most of her adult life loving him.  A few years back, they got back together, but sadly he got into drugs and it ended quite badly.  She took the break up hard and it took her a while before she could move on.

She's been with her current boyfriend for some time now and although she's happy with him - it doesn't soften the blow of this news.  She's struck with grief and I really feel for her.  If it was me that got that call about my first love - I'd be beside myself.  When she called with the news, we cried together on the phone for a long while.  I understand her pain and I hate not being able to be there for her.  I really wish I could be there.  I call every day and offer any support I can, but it's not the same as being there.  Being so far away at times like this is really hard. I've been quite emotional and haven't been myself for days.

The wake is tonight.  There is no way to prepare herself to see him that way.  I can't imagine how hard it will be for her to see him like that instead of beautiful - the way she should be able to remember him.  He was 33 years old and hung himself in his closet.  What a horribly sad end.  I can't imagine what would drive a person to do such a thing.   His poor family.  No-one should have to go through such an ordeal.